My Birthday! NOPE Adoption takes over!!!

As many of you know we have to accumulate 30 hours of education to adopt. Those hours area a combination of classes, book reading, and other sources of education. Of course we don't get to pick when the classes are, and when the time works we jump in on a class. 

This class was going to work out perfect. It was being held on June 29th (my birthday) which happed to be a Saturday this year. That meant Jeff wouldn't have work, and he wouldn't take over time because it was the most important day of Donnika (ask me and I will explain about this great holiday). 

So when they sent out a request to see who would attend I let them know if it happens we will be there!

Fast forward 2 months to my birthday and guess who can't attend the class! Yup Jeff has switched job locations and due to his schedule would no way be able to wake up and pay attention during class. So I woke up bright and early, grabbed my coffee and headed to the agency for a 4 hour class. 

I was excited for us to take this class because they had  speakers each from a different part of the adoption triad. 

We started the class with an adoptive father who shared his point of view. He talked about the long wait, emotions from a dads point of view on not being picked, and the excitement when it finally happens. He and his wife had a son before they went on the adoption journey so he talked about that dimension and how they talk to nieces and nephews about their daughters adoption. I wish Jeff was there to hear him speak but I know God had his hand on it so there was a reason I was there and he wasn't.

The next speaker we heard from was a young women who was adopted. She had an interesting journey on how she got to be adopted but that isn't for me to tell. What she was really there to share about was being part of a transracial family and her point of view on the challenges she had to face. She was raised by a very white family, in a middle class suburban town. Her adoptive parents (her birth parents were still a big part of her life so that is why I am using these terms) always told her they didn't see her skin color and loved her for who she was. She mad the point that simple line made her struggle with finding her identity as a dark skinned Hispanic young women. She knew that they meant the best but when you look different from your adoptive family being confident in your different skin can bring its own challenges. She told many stories during her speech but this one thing stuck with me. Maybe because I always find beauty in the diversity of the people who have entered my life, and skin tone difference is one of the things I have loved. She was truly beautiful inside and out, but I wondered if her adoptive family ever looked her in the eye and said to her you look so beautiful. 

Isn't outside beauty something we all struggle with?

The third speak from the triad was a birth mom. She was a returning favorite and you could tell those who had heard her speak in the past adored her. I understood why a few minutes into her speaking. She was open, honest, and excited because she would be meeting her son for the first time in person after a decade since his birth. She talked about how she rushed to the agency every year for her updates from his parents. How she treasured his parents for all they had done for him, how they created wonderful updates for her, and how they agreed to allow her to meet them and their son in person even though it wasn't part of the adoption plan. She talked about how excited she was to hear his voice and see him in person. To think that she was his birthmother, she saw pictures of him, had updates on his interests, life adventures, yet had never heard him speak. I tried to put myself in her place in that moment and I could only imagine the sleepless nights leading up to the meeting. I saw how she didn't want to be his mother she just wanted to know he is happy and doing well. I prayed that night and every night since then that our future child has an amazing mother like her. Someone I would know would always cherish them as will cherish them.

During this class we also heard from a lady who works for a non-profit that provides education assistance, and other support to those in the adoption triad in the state of New Jersey. She explained the new laws for adoptees to get their original birth  certificates with their birth parents names on it, how they provide resorces for counseling, and that we can use any of their resources. 

It was a long day for class and afterwards I had to head home and pick up Jeff and Winnie. We headed down the shore and had to do some adoption homework! Of course because it's been a year since our background check, fingerprints, and health update. 

So here we are getting ready for our annual home visit!

Part 3 of Emotions

 The Waiting to Be Picked 

This time is the longest. 
It can be months or years 
(currently we have been in this section for over two years) 

It’s a roller coaster, a never ending ride  and the track can change in a quick moment. Every morning you get online hoping you can grab that first car so you can see what is ahead of you but sadly that front car is for those who have already completed the process before! You are stuck in the back riding blind, trying to learn how to control your emotions with each loop and dip you hit along the way. Some days it’s a pretty smooth with a disappointing ride that ends at night. Then you wake the next morning to ride again. Other days you get lucky to get on a track that takes you on a multi day ride. Ups and downs of emotions, loops of hope, spirals of  questions, only to end in a disappointing plumit to the exit or if your lucky you get to stay on for another ride. 

This processes if difficult because your still navigating how to handle you emotions without anyone knowing. Everyday you wake up not knowing if you will hear from the agency so you try to live your normal life, but in the back of you head your on that line for the roller coaster. You try not to get on but then you see a commercial for diapers or baby food and BAM! your on that ride wondering if you will hear anything today! And the days you do hear from them you have to hurry up so you can wait..... hurry up and decided if you want your profile shown....hurry up to see if Jeff agrees...then you answer them and start the wait. Depending on the situation you may have small feed back with questions or scheduling a meeting, or you just wait to find out if you have been picked or not. It takes days when your profile is shown so your trying to control any excitement. No matter what you check your email multiple times a day just in case you hear something...

And if you hear nothing or don't get picked you move on to a new day on the same old roller coaster. 

Part 2 Emotions!

1. The Application and Approval

I have covered a lot about this process in earlier posts. It's long and frustrating but it is the only process that you have control of how quickly it goes. If you procrastinate it will take forever! Normally it takes about 6 months because of state back ground checks, the quicker you get your paperwork in the sooner they get the results.

 I would compare it to applying to a new job. You put your best self out there, hope your references say nothing but nice things, and you make sure you get them whatever papers they want. The emotions don't really go to crazy, stress is there but you have the control so you handle it the best you can. 

Of course the majority of people don't tell family and friends that he are going through it until they are approved. You have a close knit group who know because they are your references but that is really all you are comfortable in telling. So you learn how to fake emotions. You smile and act like nothing is wrong, yet you have the home study in the back of your head. So the emotions can be tricky all depending on how private you keep things. 

Then there is also the excitement. How will you announce it? How will your family react to the idea of adoption? When can you start to buy baby stuff? You get to start day dreaming of bringing home your little one! As someone who went the path of fertility treatments that thought is a very forgotten one. You start to look at pintrest and make private boards. You are excited, you have a hope you haven't had in a long time, you are hopeful! That is what the application and approval process is all about....

The Roller coaster of Emotions

I have gotten the same question from people 

"What is it like to be going through the adoption process?" 

So I decided I would answer it here in multi blog response over the next week. If you have any questions as I go over it please feel free to comment so I can answer. I love to answer questions and nothing is off limits.

First you have to break it into 5 different categories. 

1 The application and approval
2 The waiting to be picked
3 The possible selection
4 The chosen and waiting again
5 The placement and forever

I like to compare the entire process to pregnancy. I have offended people by doing this because they say I couldn't understand but I personally believe anyone who has struggled with fertility has an amazing understanding of the emotions involved.

Finding the right partner
The Application processes

Just like looking for the right spouse or partner to create a future with, the agency application process can be a whirlwind experience. Of course there is a lot more paperwork and back ground checks with adoption, but it really is a get to know you process. You also have the excitement if you chose to announce to the world that your making a commitment to each other.

Trying to get pregnant
Waiting to be picked

So this one is pretty simple in the comparison. You do your part to make things happen but honestly you have no control on what happens so you just have to trust in God.

Waiting for test results
The possible selection

So this is the part you've been waiting for! That positive test results or in the adoption world the message on your portal saying you've been selected! Of course you still can't say anything to anyone because things do happen beyond your control.

The first trimester
The Chosen and waiting again

This is the hardest part because you want to shout it from the mountain that there is going to be a baby!!! OMG someone trusts me to be a mother!!! Holy crap!! But just like a first trimester being picked doesn't guarantee you anything. At birth the mother can decided to parent the baby and just like a miscarriage you will need to learn to move on with the loss. There is no answers to why this happens but we all always blame ourselves.

Labor and Delivery 
The placement and forever

This comparison can be literal if you have a expected mother who wants you there in labor and delivery or metaphorically. The placement in the exciting time, the time where after all the waiting, and emotions you finally get to hold that baby in your arms. You finally get to share they joyful news with your family, celebrate the new arrival, and start to feel like thousands of new parents around the world.

The next blog will be about what the emotions are like from my view point during the 5 different processes. Tomorrow will be The Application and Approval Processes. 

Advice Please!

2 Years and Counting

Today makes it officially 2 years since we announced we are in the waiting period. As you all know a lot has happened in those 2 years. This time last year we were moving into the new house and knowing that the process would be put on hold. It was a very emotional year for me. I have put the idea of preparing on hold, away in the dust covered boxes and the idea of looking at baby stuff became an old memory. Poor Jeff has had to deal with my emotional roller coaster and today was probably a bit of a surprise to him. We are as you know back on the waiting list, new hope for our family has slowly started to creep in. We have done small things like taken new photo's for our profile, and kept our home study updated. 

Yet I have realized though that because of the delay I am so very unprepared to bring home a baby. Everything we have purchased, items gifted to us, and my much loved lists still packed away. I have no clue if we even have the most important things to survive the first few weeks of infant invasion. I don't even know if those lists of mine included those needed items. 

The other thing that has completely thrown me for a curve ball is the fact that Babies R Us is no longer around! I mean come on are you kidding me I had an entire baby registry set up with them. I knew that with a click of a mouse I could have that much needed car seat. Now what do I do!!! I can't unpack and set up the nursery because well it's still a kitchen. I am hoping in the next month to have demolition started so all those cute little outfits, adorable stuff animals, and my beloved lists must stay packed away a bit longer. 

So I need your help all my wonderful moms and dads out there! Since adoption doesn't come with a time line and perfectly timed baby shower to fill your home with those important items I need some advice from you. 

Please comment below those much needed items you can't live with out the first few weeks baby is home. I would like to slowly make sure I pick up those items we don't have and find the ones we do.