Cuts Like A Knife

10 Months!

Time truly does fly by. I can't believe we are already at 10 months of waiting for our sweet blessing. So much has changed in our lives this year in small and big ways. We believe that God has us on a path to prepare for our future, much like those who go threw pregnancy.

There are many differences that many adoptive parents go through that they don't speak about. Things that are so personal that many of us are unable to explain the emotions they bring.

One is the mourning period that unsuccessful fertility treatments brings you into. It is a month by month roller coaster of ups and downs each time ending in mourning. Of course the realization that we will never have a biological child is different for each of us. I have friends who found out at a young age they would never birth children, others experience it after years of struggles, for each of us it is a very personal experience. This loss is one that no one is prepared for. 

For woman its not just the fact that the child God has planned for them won't share their DNA, but it is also the entire loss of the pregnancy experience. We will never take that test that tells us we are pregnant, we will never lay down for an ultra sound, and we will never feel our baby inside our bellies. We mourn these losses, we cry, we get angry, we hurt. I can tell you we don't move forward until we have started to heal from that loss. We haven't chosen adoption as a fill in because no matter how God sends us a child, they are ours. 

For men the process can be unique in just as many ways. The explore emotions they may have never know they had, trying to figure out what this news means to them. Men look at families very differently then women but they too have to mourn the loss. They also have to navigate a path of their wives emotions that she is more then likely keeping from her closes family and friends. Men have a tendency to want to fix things, they stay strong and at times forget to deal with it themselves. It is such a personal experiences many couples don't even discuss it. The divorce rate is leaps and bounds higher for couples who face fertility challenges then those who don't. Jeff and I are lucky we found ways to draw closer to each other, be open about our feelings, and know that God was in control.

We understand that even those closest to us will never understand. Even those who have traveled this same journey or similar ones will never understand ours. They are each so personal, and the paths we take moving forward are a reflection of that. We look forward to welcoming our future blessing into our family and know adoption is the amazing path we were meant to be on. 

Home study update and more.......

9 Months and Counting

So much has happened in our lives the past month and a half. First we will talk about adoption stuff, then I will fill you in quickly about the other craziness. Stick with me and I promise there will be pictures of one of the top items I have been waiting years to get. No it's not a baby!

So the end of August came our yearly home study update. What does that mean?
So every year that we are waiting we will have to update the home study. Back in May we received the official letter requesting us to go get finger printed, update our medical approval, and have the state back ground check done. So Jeff, Vickie, and I were back to work getting paperwork filled out, finger prints done, and visiting the doctors. Once the back ground forms were returned to the agency we have to wait for them to submit to the state and get the results. In the past this process normally took a month, now you are looking at two months at the least. What are they looking into? If any of us have been arrested, have restraining orders, or any history against children. Of course everything came back clean and we moved onto the home visit. 

The home visit was very uneventful. Our social worker came up to our home and met with Jeff, Vickie, and myself. She asked how we are handling the roller coaster that adoption is, if we had any concerns, and of course if anything had changed. She checked in with Vickie to see if I had become a basket case,  and I'm sure some other questions. It wasn't a very long visit, and I totally forgot to offer her a piece of the amazing pie I had picked up. Oh well I'm sure she knew we would be nervous. 

September became crazy very fast-- On September 5th I had elective surgery to help make me healthier. After years of battling weight issues and feet issues I decided I need to do something to get the weight off so I can lose the weight. Of course with knowing we could be placed at any moment it was a hard choice to do it now. What if we have everything set up and I get a call that there is a baby? Will having the surgery cause them to put our profile on hold? How long after the surgery will it take for me to be cleared? Would admitting I need to have the surgery make the agency question my health? I don't have high blood pressure, I'm not pre or diabetic, my cholesterol levels are fine, but will they assume differently. It took many long discussions and research before I said lets do it. I had to notify the agency and got their full support. I spoke to my surgeon and he said I would be fine to lift anything under 25 pounds. So on the 5th Jeff and I headed to the hospital and I took the step to change my life. The next day we headed down south to my parents so I could recover at the Jersey Shore. Well really down the road from the shore.

Finally!!! Yup the one item I have been longing to purchase is the stroller. When Jeff and I started the fertility treatment I started to research strollers, car seats, and cribs. Why because these are the items I have heard so many different opinions on. I wanted a stroller that would lay flat, and I could remove the bassinet feature if I needed to use it while visiting someone. I also wanted to make sure I could lift it easily, and put a diaper bag in the bottom. I was shocked on how small the storage space is on many of them. Then trying to open and close others required a masters in engineering. Then I found Bliss. I promise it the name of the stroller, I didn't make it up. Then when I was healing from my surgery I found out the manufacture was discontinuing the stroller after my six year love affair with it. So I refused not to end up with it and started looking to see who had it for the best sale price. I did try to order one from Amazon and was so excited about the price just to get an email from them that they sold out! Finally I got one through Bed Bath and Beyond on sale and I used a coupon! Yup I was taught well.

So where are we at now? Well we are still waiting to be picked. I'm working on different things for when we bring home the baby. I am excited that my sowing machine is at the repair shop waiting to be pickup. We are currently staying at my parents house again due to plumbing issues at home. We both miss being up in our little condo surrounded by woods, but I think Winnie is having fun! 

Going National

Months 6 & 7

     So the summer months have come and we are almost at the 1 year mark of our fist home study. The fist because every year that we are waiting to adopt we will have to go through a home study. The first part of this is the state checks that include getting finger printed and a back ground check done. This makes sure we haven't done anything in the past year that would void out our adoption approval. Then we have to have a medical release from our doctor to make sure we are still physically okay to take care of a child. The final part is the visit and that will be happening in the up coming weeks. Our social worker from the agency will drive up to visit us. She will check in on us, make sure we haven't moved with out notifying them, and that we are still meeting the requirements. The personal benefit of this happening in August is that I get an early start on my fall cleaning, so once falls hits I can do things on the weekends other then decluttering and washing curtains. So the next blog post will cover that visit....

Now about us going national!

     Since we hit the 6 month mark and haven't been picked yet we have decided to expand our options. The adoption agency we work with has offices across the country, and because of this we have the ability to advertise ourselves in all the offices. Above you see a picture of our web page. We made a small video of photo's of us, our home, and where we live. On the page we talked about who we are, talked a little about each other, and also about Winnie.

     We have also decided to share one of our photo albums with a pregnancy crisis center. What is a pregnancy crisis center? I'm going to give you the nonpolitical explanation.

A pregnancy crisis center is a location that a female goes to when she finds out she is pregnant unexpectedly. At locations like this they help her understand her options, provide counseling, guide her to finical assistance, and guidance to things such as housing and healthcare. You would be surprised how many females find out they are pregnant many months in. They can be confused, scared, and wanting to explore all their options. They may know they can't care for the baby, or they don't want children of their own. Part of exploring their options is learning about open adoption and our album will be there for them to review.

The final thing we are currently doing is sharing our adoption hopes with all of you. Why? Well not only do we want our family and friends to be a part of our journey, but we also know that God has amazing ways of bringing families together. A percentage of infant adoptions happen because the adoptive parents are connected with the expected parents through someone they know. You may be at work one day and someone you talk to mentions how their cousin doesn't know what to do she just found out she has an unwanted pregnancy. Or your best friend calls you in tears lost and confused because she knows right now in her life she can't parent. Birth mothers aren't always young poor teenagers, they could be happily married couples who never wanted kids, or college students who have so much they still want to do. Because there is no cookie cutter birth mother we never know how our family will expand.

     If you know someone personally or know someone who has a friend or family member who is looking for option during an unexpected pregnancy contact us. We will provide the contact information for the amazing expected mother counselor at our agency. She is one of the sweetest people we have ever met, and she will help them through this decision. Her job is to help them understand what adoption is, guide them to different counseling and health services, and help them understand only they can make that final decision.

Until next time, please keep us, our future child and their birth parents in your prayers.

Unexpected Changes

Month 5 and why I missed month 4

"It's the unexpected that changes our lives."

Before I get into all the drama of May look it's my beloved rocker! Well that and our crib quilt, ottoman/storage, and some very special friends. The bunny is really mine but he is keeping the other guys company while they wait.

Now onto the drama of May.

Adoption can be one of the most stressful times in your life. You have no control over it, and in turn little control over other things in your life. The one thing I had control of was our finances. Every month I had detailed plans of every penny that came in. I knew what bills had to be paid, how much had to go to savings for the adoption, what we could spend on getting those items for the future, and finally money for us to enjoy life. Jeff and I were excited because we were getting close to having the money needed to do all the steps of the adoption. In my head I knew I would need to have about ten thousand more then that incase we got twins but we were at least good for a single baby. The other thing we were starting to talk about was where do we want to buy a house. Since we know we can't leave the state until we are done with the adoption we figured we would start checking out the area. Oh and the first earth shattering thing that came up. Jeff wants to go to Disney during hunting season so we can experience  the Christmas wonder. Things were going good for us. Even though I was on the emotional roller coaster of adoption we were happy with life.

Then it happened. On a Sunday after church I was notified I no longer had a job. I'm not going to vent about the people I use to work for. What I am going to do is talk about how this effects us know.

You see when you are going through adoption the fact of not knowing when it is going to happen makes you stressed. On top of that trying to find a job, where you don't know how they will react to your pending adoption is a nightmare. If I was pregnant I could easily say well I'm due in a few months so I will be taking time off or I'll wait until the baby is born to find a job. But with adoption it could happen tomorrow or a year from now. So how do you approach telling a future job that your life is not in your control. I have spent many sleepless nights worrying about this. I was so stress that my loving husband got me a plane ticket and sent me to Florida for a week. I guess he figured the time away would help me relax and come back with a plan. Yeah I still don't have one, but I am sending out resumes and I guess we will figure it out.

The other thing that is effected by me losing my job is the fun baby shopping. We haven't done much since we don't know when it will happen, or if it will be a boy or girl. But part of the process we have enjoyed is picking up things as we go. It makes it feel real, makes us feel like expecting parents, and well it's so cute! We have almost all the money for a single baby adoption in our savings, and if we get twins we will figure it out. 

Then there is the one thing that we had to decided very quickly. Every time something happens in our life we have to notify the agency. When we sent them the notice that I had lost my job, they needed to know if we wanted to put the adoption on hold. The emotions that happened when I was reading that hit me like a wave. After years of negative pregnancy tests, unsuccessful fertility treatments, and delays because of money the fear all come rushing back to me. I was horrified, I was scared, I was at that moment ready to give up and adopt 100 puppies. I was done with that part of my life already being on hold, and to think that something I had no control of could cause it to be even more delayed killed me. But they have to give you the options to start a new job and get settled in if you feel the need to. I knew at that moment that if we put it on hold I would be done emotionally. Jeff knew at that moment that it wasn't an option for him either. We have come this far and don't want to delay any more.

So here we now sit in our 5th month of wait, I am unemployed waiting to see if I will get unemployment pay and looking for a new job. Jeff is working getting ready to work non stop as his partner at work retires. And Winnie is loving having me home, a lap to lay on, and someone to go on walks with. God has a plan for us and I am hoping that maybe this means that baby he has planned for us is coming sooner then later.

When they decide to parent

 As we came into our 3rd month of waiting, we celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary, I struggled with some illness, and Jeff  started working 6 day work weeks. We also had a medical emergency with Jeff's mom, we are blessed to say she is doing better. With all that going on and crazy days at my job the blog had to be delayed. One thing that didn't stop was our adoption prep. During this rocky time we still have in the beck of our head what if.......

There are so many what if's in adoption that Jeff and I will face alone. We have made the decision to not tell anyone, including our parents when we have been chosen until we have our child in our arms. We look at that time period just as many people see the 1st trimester of pregnancy. Instead of doctor appointments we will be having meetings with the expected mother. Instead of having two more trimesters to prepare we may have a few months, weeks, or only days to prepare. It will also be filled with plenty of what if's.

The biggest what if is one that we as the adoptive parents fear. What if they decide to parent?

The process of being picked can vary from person to person. I have read many different experience from months of interaction to over night pick to placement. We don't know what path we will go down or truthfully how many of those paths we will travel. But each time you become emotionally invested in that path. It starts with you agreeing to having your profile shown to an expected or birth mother. At that moment you will wonder what she is looking for, will she like your book, or will it be someone else's time? The next step may be a meeting with the expected mother or emails between our social work and hers. You may only have a small window of time to meet her, so you have to cancel plans. All this time in the back of your head you keep telling yourself to hold on to your heart. Some paths lead to the start of a relationship between the expected mother and you. Face to face meetings to get to know each other, building of a relationship apart from that little miracle she is growing inside. She is learning to trust you, you are trying not to get attached. Once the baby is born things start to be come even more intense. You try to protect your heart but in the darkness of the night you start to picture holding that little one.

Then the wait starts. In New Jersey a birth mother can not sign custody over for three days after giving birth. This will provide time for her to recover and think. Yes even when they have come up with an adoption plan they can still and will still be unsure. So we protect our hearts and wait. She may need longer and the agency has procedures I will speak about in the future to protect everyone involved.

And then the what if happens....... The birth mother has decided to parent.

And with that all your hopes and dreams fall down around you. No matter how hard you protect your heart it hurts. You pray the best for her and her baby, but in the silence of the night you cry for the what could have been. You put on a brace face in front of people, while mourning the loss.

So after years of disappointment with fertility issues you have learned to find the sunny side in time of heartache. And deep down inside you know one day you will hold your child, celebrate them, and love them.

On a side note we got our glider this month!!! Pictures to come next week because I'm typing this one my phone with blurry vision and I can't figure out how to post a picture.

2 and a 1/2 months

I have been thinking over the past few weeks what I wanted to write about this month. Should I write about the emotional roller coaster adoption is? What about how sensitive you become to words and phrases? What about how we have been wanting to plan trips but are afraid to make plans because we don't know what the future holds? Three great topics all can fill pages of a blog.

So I'm going with a topic that covers all of them. Pictured above is the Adoption Triangle. On the one side you have Jeff and me, we are the adoptive parents. We currently have no connections to the other two sides. We will be one day in Gods time and until then we pray for them to be safe. On the other side is the birth parents they may or may not at this time be expecting parents. That only God knows. The final side is the adopted child who has no say in this processes. God will protect them and love them.  

Jeff and I have started to learn that we are already emotionally involved in a process that has no time line. I personally have learned that there are emotions that I never thought I would feel. We have not met an expected mother yet, yet I have wondered what it must be like for one to be going through this. I have watched interviews, read books, and searched on line but unless you are in their shoes you will never really know. I wonder how I will feel when the day comes that I hold my future child and realize the birthmother is mourning the lose of her child. I wonder how that child will feel about it all. I never thought I could feel so many different emotions from so many points of view.

The triangle also reminds us that even though we are one part of it, we have no control over the triangle. We have no time table, no knowledge of when we will become part of that triangle. We also don't know how many triangles we will start to become a part of just to find out it didn't fit. Tomorrow we could get a call that a mother wants to meet us and it end up not being a good fit. Do we make plans for vacations that could be canceled at the last minute? Do we miss out on family events that we have to travel for? We don't want to put our lives on hold but we have to be ready to cancel our plans if that perfect triangle comes along.

The final part of being a side to a triangle that hasn't been completed yet is that simple things said to you hurt like you wouldn't think. People who mean well who tell you about how they know someone who waited years and years until they found their triangle doesn't help. We know you mean well but those thoughts are always in our minds so please don't help them out. Or when someone says to us "well I hope that works out for you" is a negative thought that we don't need in our life. You see everyday we live the life of expected parents who don't have control of the when. We are you see "paper expecting" which means we are excited that we know one day we will be proud parents. We will be one part of our child's triangle. Until then please don't be afraid to ask questions, say positive words of encouragements , and help us keep living our life until our triangle comes.

1 Month and Counting

We have come to the 1 month mark of what could be a long wait. Since we don't know when things will happen we have made a list of the important things we want to have in the house. After much discussion with Jeff about a baby shower and when we would feel comfortable to have one we have decided that we wouldn't do anything until we are placed.

Why you may ask?

This is a multi layered answer.

1.Adoption is really a roller coaster. Today I could be fine and handle a shower with no issues. But between now and when it would be held we could be picked and have an expected mother change her mind. I would then be devastated. No matter how much you prepare yourself it's still going to hurt.

2.I'm nesting! Yes adoptive mothers nest and I haven't finished cleaning out every inch of the condo. Before I bring a large amount of things home I want to make sure I am prepared.

3.We really don't need a ton of stuff the first few weeks. Heck we don't even know if we will be home right away. If the baby is born out of state we will have to travel and wait for all the paper work to clear.

So until we are placed Jeff and I have our list of things we need. Slowly we are building our baby stock pile. We have our list of things we want, things we need, and things we can live with out. Strangely enough nothing with hunting or fishing has made the list. But we have gotten some great things including the ottoman we got for 1/2 off.

So we wait for our book to be viewed, interviews to happen, and that exciting day we are handed our child. Then and only then will we buy that final important bringing home baby item. Our car Seat!

New Year and New Adventures

January 2, 2017

I haven't blogged in a bit because things have been a bit busy. I wanted to hop on for the new year and keep everyone up to date.

We finalized the album that the expected parents get to see and sent them to the agency. They loved them and have sent them to the different offices located in New Jersey, New York, and Connecticut. Now what will happen with them? When an expected mother reaches the point where she is ready to start considering future parents for her child she along with whom ever she choices will sit down with her counselor. At that time she will be provided the profile albums for hopeful adoptive parents that fit her requirements. An example is Jeff and I are Caucasian, large extended family, and live in the country. Other things that could be my work with the youth group, Jeff's love of the outdoors, or the fact we have a dog. She will be provide a stack of books to look through and then she will say I want to meet these couples or this is the couple I like. This process can happen dozens of times before an expected mother wants to meet us. It is 100% in her control and Jeff and I love this fact.

The other thing we had to do is make our third payment. Money is one thing that everyone knows adoptions take a lot of but no one talks about. The reason because people word their questions so it makes it sound like we are purchasing a child. It really isn't much different then the money it cost to give birth to a child except we don't have insurance to cover it. I will discuss that in an other blog but for now we are in the waiting period. We have paid out just under 1/2 of the money that will need to be paid. We still have money in the savings account, are able to still do a few weekend getaways, so it didn't hurt to much!

So now here we are in the waiting stage. We know our book hasn't been viewed yet so we decided that we are going to count January 1st as our start date. Paperwork, albums, and payments all got completed during the holidays so we aren't counting them just for that fact. The 1st of each month will be our count and just as someone who is pregnant I will mark the month marks with a blog(no pictures of my belly sorry).

We also don't want anyone to be afraid about asking questions. If you have one please ask us either on here or privately. There is never a stupid question, and we would rather you get the answer from us not from someone else. Questions can be about our personal journey or a general adoption question. We can't speak for the expected parents or the point of view of someone who has been adopted but we can tell you what we have learned.

For now Happy New Year!