As we came into our 3rd month of waiting, we celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary, I struggled with some illness, and Jeff started working 6 day work weeks. We also had a medical emergency with Jeff's mom, we are blessed to say she is doing better. With all that going on and crazy days at my job the blog had to be delayed. One thing that didn't stop was our adoption prep. During this rocky time we still have in the beck of our head what if.......
There are so many what if's in adoption that Jeff and I will face alone. We have made the decision to not tell anyone, including our parents when we have been chosen until we have our child in our arms. We look at that time period just as many people see the 1st trimester of pregnancy. Instead of doctor appointments we will be having meetings with the expected mother. Instead of having two more trimesters to prepare we may have a few months, weeks, or only days to prepare. It will also be filled with plenty of what if's.
The biggest what if is one that we as the adoptive parents fear. What if they decide to parent?
The process of being picked can vary from person to person. I have read many different experience from months of interaction to over night pick to placement. We don't know what path we will go down or truthfully how many of those paths we will travel. But each time you become emotionally invested in that path. It starts with you agreeing to having your profile shown to an expected or birth mother. At that moment you will wonder what she is looking for, will she like your book, or will it be someone else's time? The next step may be a meeting with the expected mother or emails between our social work and hers. You may only have a small window of time to meet her, so you have to cancel plans. All this time in the back of your head you keep telling yourself to hold on to your heart. Some paths lead to the start of a relationship between the expected mother and you. Face to face meetings to get to know each other, building of a relationship apart from that little miracle she is growing inside. She is learning to trust you, you are trying not to get attached. Once the baby is born things start to be come even more intense. You try to protect your heart but in the darkness of the night you start to picture holding that little one.
Then the wait starts. In New Jersey a birth mother can not sign custody over for three days after giving birth. This will provide time for her to recover and think. Yes even when they have come up with an adoption plan they can still and will still be unsure. So we protect our hearts and wait. She may need longer and the agency has procedures I will speak about in the future to protect everyone involved.
And then the what if happens....... The birth mother has decided to parent.
And with that all your hopes and dreams fall down around you. No matter how hard you protect your heart it hurts. You pray the best for her and her baby, but in the silence of the night you cry for the what could have been. You put on a brace face in front of people, while mourning the loss.
So after years of disappointment with fertility issues you have learned to find the sunny side in time of heartache. And deep down inside you know one day you will hold your child, celebrate them, and love them.
On a side note we got our glider this month!!! Pictures to come next week because I'm typing this one my phone with blurry vision and I can't figure out how to post a picture.
