A birth parents story will never be for Jeff and I to tell. Their story can only be told by them and our child. A reason someone decided to put a child up for adoption is a very personal story and has no effect on anyone but them and the child. The only thing any of us needs to know is the birth parents are part of that child and because of that will be loved just for that simple fact.
WHAT ISN'T A BIRTH PARENT
The difference between a birth parent and a parent is simple. A parent is someone who feels in their heart that no matter what they will raise this child. They may or may not have the support of a family, but they know they could never give a child up for adoption. A parent is someone who plans to be the main influence in their child's life and have a parenting plan. A parent could be anyone at any age that knows adoption just isn't something they could do. They could also be someone who though adoption was what they wanted until the moment they held the child and the entire plan changed.
A birth parent is someone who make the hard decision to make an adoption plan. Plain and simple it is their choice on how to be a parent because no matter what they are the parent to that child. A birth parent isn't the main influence on a child, they do not raise them, or set the rules on discipline. But they are the reason this child is in this world and because of that they are a birth parent. A birth parents story could be one of a thousand but here is some explanation of who they could be.
Birth parents are of course a birth mother and a birth father. Since a birth father isn't always the one talked about I will speak of them first. The birth father may be known and have part in the adoption decision or may not. They may be the boyfriend or husband of the birth mother, or they could be a one night stand. He could be sadly be the predator in a rap or molestation and so in turn never be named. If a birth father isn't named they do have the option to speak up after a placement to take custody. Every state varies on their adoption laws and how long they have to try and take custody. In New Jersey if the name of the birth father becomes known by the agency they have to do everything they can to contact him and discuss a birth/adoption plan.
A birth father could be a young man who never wanted to be a parent. He may be a college student who sees becoming a parent at this time would not end well for any of them. They could be someone struggling with an addiction or come from an abusive back ground and knows they are not the best option to be a parent. He may be someone who has always wanted to be a father but knows that at this time it isn't the best option for this child. He could be in his 30's or 40's, a contractor, a lawyers, or warehouse worker. They come from all walks of life and all ages, there is no set description of what a birth father is. He could be your drinking buddy, your brother, son, or the favorite teacher at school.
A birth mother can be your sister, your daughter, your best friend, or the lady you work with. Birth mothers come in all walks of life and have 1000 personal reasons why they chose adoption. All I can do is give you a few examples of who a birth mother may be.
A birth mother may decide to make an adoption plan because they have a dream of dancing the Nutcracker with the New York City Ballet and having a child would keep them from being who they want to be. She may be in jail detoxing from heroin with no family support and no idea how to be a parent. Her marriage could be falling apart from an affair and the birth father won't leave his wife and children for her. A birth mother could be a victim of rap. She could be an abuse survivor who doesn't want her child to ever have to be his victim also. She may be in denial that she is pregnant until the final month, days, or hours and when the time comes knows she doesn't want to parent. She may not believe in abortion and knows from that first pregnancy test that adoption is what God is leading her towards.
A birth mother isn't a birth mother until she gives birth and signs the adoption papers. She is an expected mother and a mother until that time. She will carry the child, connect with the child, and make the decisions she feels is best for her and that child. She will forever be part of that child. Her reason for an adoption plan will change the world for both of them, but she will never walk away and forget.
PLEASE WATCH YOUR WORDS
When you speak to us about an expected parent or birth parent please don't speak bad words of them. You don't know who they are, or what their life is like. Don't assume anything about them. When we are placed with a child please watch your words. You will never know the story of why their birth parents made an adoption plan. Never speak ill of them to our child because we will never do that. A birth parent makes a difficult decision to make an adoption plan and because of that we will never speak bad of them. They will bless us with a family because not only will the child be ours but they will forever be connected to us. They may chose to do an open adoption or a closed adoption and we will support them no matter what. They may say for now they just want photos and 10 years down the road they may want to meet, once again we will support that. We will always put what is best for our child before anything and part of that is to never speak ill of their birth parents.
DON'T ASK WHAT OUR CHILDS ADOPTION STORY IS
We don't care who you are, our child's adoption story is personal. Why their birth parents made an adoption plan is not for us to share. It doesn't change how you will love the child and doesn't effect your life. This story isn't about us or you, its all about the birth parent's and our future child. A birth parent has the right to never share the detail with anyone and so will our child. Don't ask them why they were adopted, just know we will love them no matter what.
Please understand that a birth parent may be the last person we ever thought we would love. But anyone who choses us to parent their child will always be part of our heart. Adoption expands our family not just with a child, but also those who blessed us with that child. If you don't watch your word just remember we will chose our child over anyone.
