Sometimes you have to step back from emotions and just accept what is.
Then there are days like today when you have to ride the emotional roller coaster.
Fertility and adoption makes you vulnerable beyond understanding in every part of your being. Fertility brings you on a roller coaster of questioning your womanhood and it is one of the most gut retching experiences anyone can go through. Your body fails you not just because you are unable to create another life but then it remind you every month. As a female you know that one of the greatest gifts that we have is the ability to create and carry a life. It is one of the most beautiful miracles that exist and it is in the palm of every female’s hands or at least you think it is. Then you go down that long path of your body failing you, realizing that you cannot do the one thing that comes so easily to others, and you question yourself as a woman. You question what you’ve done wrong, what mistakes you have made, everything about your being is in question when you’re going through fertility issues.
Then once you’ve excepted the loss of the dream of having a child and caring a child in your womb, your body monthly reminds you that you have failed at this one thing. The hardest thing isn’t seeing people announce they’re pregnant or seeing pictures of babies but it’s a monthly reminder that your body gives you that you will never have that.
So then you choose adoption and birds sing, rainbows come out, and you have found your path to becoming a mother. It is all that you have ever wanted to do. You spend six months filling out paperwork, getting physicals, fingerprints, interview after interview, just for the agency to say yes you can start the adoption process. You try not to get too excited but you pick up baby stuff here and there and time goes on. Then maybe your profile gets shown and a birthmother wants to meet you and excitement builds and then she decides to parent. Or like many your profile get shown, someone else is picked, and you continue waiting. But that’s OK because it’s still new and exciting and we’re not gonna wait that long we’re not being very picky.
Then your first annual inspection comes with more fingerprints and more paperwork and more money. They come in they look at your home and they talk to you and ask how you’re doing and how you’re holding up. They let you know about perspective birth mothers and the things are slowing down a little but it’s OK because we have a really good feeling. And then your profile is shown and someone else’s picked and it happens again and again. Each time you hold onto hope that your time is coming it’s only been a year and a half let’s go by your house to prepare to bring home our future child.
And of course your social worker leaves and the new one comes and they won’t let you be shown until they come out and inspect your house after certain things are done so they put you on hold. Finally then they come out and there’s a brand new social worker so that makes three. She doesn’t care for you, or your home, or your dog and in her mind you just don’t fit what she thinks most birth parents want. So for a short few months you call and you complain, you voice your opinion that she’s being prejudice until one great day you get that phone call she’s no longer there. So it’s onto a new social worker again but this one you love and she’s sweet and caring and understands your religious views because she’s an Episcopalian too! So you do your third annual inspection and then you get the call that she has an emergency and she’s leaving the agency and your heart breaks and you pray and you pray that the next will be just as wonderful as she was.
But of course who would’ve seen what was going to happen next around the world. It would shut down adoptions, start a baby boom of its own, and we are now in a Covid world. Our agency went through major changes and Jeff and I held tight knowing at least we weren’t missing out on expecting birth mothers because everything was on hold. A few months and we finally met our new social worker and she is everything that we could ask for. She gets our sense of humor, she’s very caring, she understands how open we are and loves that we are so excepting of people just the way they are. Of course the fourth annual inspection was a little different because it was virtual but we survived it more fingerprints, more paperwork, and of course as always more money out the door.
In the past year we have updated our profile book and got rave reviews including an almost placement the second closest we’ve been since we started. Things are slow as adoption rates are down across the East Coast at the lowest they’ve ever been, birth rates are down, and abortion rates are up. So today is five years since we announced on Facebook that we were on this path. And now that you get a idea of our journey here is a little bit of how I’m feeling tonight:
I still feel like I’m a failure as a woman because my body has failed me.
I question if I’m a fool to believe that I’m supposed to be a mother.
I wonder if we’ve made a mistake in the choices we’ve made in going through this process.
I sit and I cry questioning why this is happening to us.
I mourn the loss still to this day of holding a child in my womb.
I wonder if people think I’m a fool for having so much hope in this adoption process.
I sit and look at baby stuff and dream of the day that I get to hold my child in my arms.
I spent quite moments sitting in the nursery knowing deep down inside this is not a mistake.
I feel strong emotions and it’s a roller coaster of a day and of course we got our paperwork for annual inspection and why not throw in my monthly reminder!
So today to celebrate the five years of waiting, wondering, and crying I’ve decided I’m updating our baby registry, having a glass of wine, and dreaming of the moment that we get that phone call it’s our time.
