Over Due Updates

Since the last blog we have been on an emotional roller coaster because of things that happen in life. 

Some of these things are so unexplainable and devastating that I just don’t feel right about blogging about them. What I will say is cherish every moment you have with the ones you love, put down the phone, step away from the computer, and just enjoy being with them. 

Now to the things that I am comfortable talking about is this blog.

My new job!

I started at my locale elementary/middle school shortly after the school year began. I was originally placed in the 4th grade classroom, a room filled with amazing boys and girls. I loved working with them and quickly realized I had made the right decision. To top it off the teacher in the class and I clicked right away. The kids knew we were a team and everyone was settling in for the school year. But life doesn’t go as planned and after we had a two week virtual learning session(ugh Covid) I was pulled from the class.

Devastated was an understatement. I felt like I was abandoning them, leaving them in the hands of yet another paraprofessional to learn their personalities. This was a class that thrived off of routine and consistency and I knew this bump in the road would take time to calm.

At the same time I was excited to be placed as a one on one with a kindergarten girl who reminded me so much of my Uncle Bill. She is smart, determined, underestimated by many, and full of happiness. She needed me as much as my 4th graders, and for some reason her teacher knew she had to have me. So just before Thanksgiving I moved to kindergarten and started the journey with little miss. 

I can’t take credit for all her progress because she has an amazing team of teachers and therapists who see what I see in her. Yet I smile when I see her running down the hall to her favorite people knowing when I started with her she didn’t want to walk ten feet. We love to show off her latest equipment, visit her besties in the office, and just be a kindergartener. Her progress has been amazing and I can’t wait to continue working with her. I’m telling you one day she will be an accountant and will travel the world.

Welcome Hudson!

Just before Christmas I finally won the puppy battle and we got Hudson!

How can you say no! We fell in love right away and agreed a Disney name was a must. Of course anyone who knows us could figure out that would happen. So we picked Hudson from the movie Cars. He settled in quickly and it feels like we have always had him. 

Of course we had a visitor for a bit when our friends baby boy Moose came to stay. Having a 3 month old and a 1 year old together was fun. Moose helped train Hudson in ringing the bell to go out, sitting nice to get food, and how to cuddle. We loved having Moose visit and I know Hudson hopes to have a baby brother or sister soon. Qi’ra on the other hand is happy with just one!

So that’s been life Late September through the End of March. No adoption updates…lots of frustration, questioning if I’m a fool for wanting to be a mom, and doubt it will ever happen. But that and our spring adventures are for another day.

Hello September

 New Job, Flood, and Recovering 

September was supposed to be all about new beginnings as I started a new career path. I accept a job at my locale Elementary/Middle School as a Paraprofessional and I couldn’t wait. I showed up for the first day for staff on September 1st, nervous and excited. I felt like I was undercover and getting to see the behind the scenes life of teachers. I was the unknown person behind the mask. 

Then that night we got hit by Ida and we had our first delayed opening. When I left for work that morning I noticed the water heater was working better then ever. The second day seem to go smoother but since I didn’t have full state clearance I had to leave the building before the kids came for locker assignments and Pre-K and Kindergarten teacher meet and greet.

When I got home I knew by Jeff’s face something was wrong…….

Our sump pump couldn’t keep up with the water coming up….

Then the water heater failed and dumped into the already flooded basement….

 So we went into action and over the next twenty four hours we pumped out the 2 plus feet of water that took over the main part of the basement. We lost our water heater, dehumidifier, dryer, countless personal items, and damaged the boiler. 

That weekend I escaped the madness at home to honor the memory of a BMX friend we lost 20 years ago. It was great seeing one of my dearest friends and big “brother” and so many of the BMX crew I hadn’t seen in years. But the emotions of the day, the week, and life in general over came me so I didn’t stay to see everyone. Plus responsibilities back at home called to me, adulting sucks sometimes.

The following days were filed with cleanup and sad discoveries.

To many it’s just a camera to me it was so much more so I’ll leave that for a blog of its own.

Things were starting to settle after the flood. The water heater got replaced with money we had put away for the adoption, but hope that insurance would help kept us calm.

But because the sump pump didn’t fail it was t covered by insurance….

So we sucked it up and decided to move forward.

We decided to escape for a night and took Qi’ra on her first road trip to my parents house. She wasn’t the biggest fan of the car trip, but she loved exploring their house. She found her favorite windows to look out of and comfy places to take a nap.

Life was moving forward. We had made a plan to recover by refinancing and borrowing money to handle our next big renovation and the money we lost from the flood. Our awesome heating guy was set up to come repair the boiler, the dryer may be able to be repaired, and the majority of our holiday decorations are saved.

Then one morning Jeff woke up and we had no water….

We are blessed to have well water, but we are also responsible to repair any issues with the well. Sadly we are also inexperienced with well systems and because of that we had been unaware that our system was not functioning properly for months and caused more damage. Thankfully we had amazing friends who tried everything they could to get our system up and running to no avail. Instead we called in the professionals to come in and save the day. 

We were blessed that one of our neighbors was the guy who did the work for us. He explained the issues with the original system and that it’s not the worst he has seen. Sadly the work was extensive and more money from the adoption fund was drained leaving us nothing left. Plus we found out our refinancing won’t be as good as we expected, but we will survive.

The day the well system failed I heard from the school my paperwork was back and I could start my job! So while the well system got replaced and updated, I officially started my journey into the world of education. 

September has also brought back the return church, Christian education, youth & family ministries, my monthly diocesan youth council meetings, and of course being in the church kitchen with my dad. Slowly life is coming back. Some things are never going to be the same and we will mourn the loss of them, but for our own mental health we must find peace with issues out of our control.

Of course we can’t forget the excitement of the good times coming back! Returning to the PBR made life feel a little more normal. Seeing dear friends was a true highlight of the day for me, and spending time with my own VIPs topped it off.

As we move forward in life we are working on repairs to the house for the refinancing. Lots of hard work, help from my dad, and late nights is proving to our way of life. So stay tuned for the house update once the mess is cleaned up. Until then stay positive God is there when you feel like you can’t handle it anymore.

5 years later

 

Sometimes you have to step back from emotions and just accept what is.

Then there are days like today when you have to ride the emotional roller coaster.

Fertility and adoption makes you vulnerable beyond understanding in every part of your being. Fertility brings you on a roller coaster of questioning your womanhood and it is one of the most gut retching experiences anyone can go through. Your body fails you not just because you are unable to create another life but then it remind you every month. As a female you know that one of the greatest gifts that we have is the ability to create and carry a life. It is one of the most beautiful miracles that exist and it is in the palm of every female’s hands or at least you think it is. Then you go down that long path of your body failing you, realizing that you cannot do the one thing that comes so easily to others, and you question yourself as a woman. You question what you’ve done wrong, what mistakes you have made, everything about your being is in question when you’re going through fertility issues. 

Then once you’ve excepted the loss of the dream of having a child and caring a child in your womb, your body monthly reminds you that you have failed at this one thing. The hardest thing isn’t seeing people announce they’re pregnant or seeing pictures of babies but it’s a monthly reminder that your body gives you that you will never have that.

So then you choose adoption and birds sing, rainbows come out, and you have found your path to becoming a mother. It is all that you have ever wanted to do. You spend six months filling out paperwork, getting physicals, fingerprints, interview after interview, just for the agency to say yes you can start the adoption process. You try not to get too excited but you pick up baby stuff here and there and time goes on. Then maybe your profile gets shown and a birthmother wants to meet you and excitement builds and then she decides to parent. Or like many your profile get shown, someone else is picked, and you continue waiting. But that’s OK because it’s still new and exciting and we’re not gonna wait that long we’re not being very picky.

Then your first annual inspection comes with more fingerprints and more paperwork and more money. They come in they look at your home and they talk to you and ask how you’re doing and how you’re holding up. They let you know about perspective birth mothers and the things are slowing down a little but it’s OK because we have a really good feeling. And then your profile is shown and someone else’s picked and it happens again and again. Each time you hold onto hope that your time is coming it’s only been a year and a half let’s go by your house to prepare to bring home our future child.

And of course your social worker leaves and the new one comes and they won’t let you be shown until they come out and inspect your house after certain things are done so they put you on hold. Finally then they come out and there’s a brand new social worker so that makes three. She doesn’t care for you, or your home, or your dog and in her mind you just don’t fit what she thinks most birth parents want. So for a short few months you call and you complain,  you voice your opinion that she’s being prejudice until one great day you get that phone call she’s no longer there. So it’s onto a new social worker again but this one you love and she’s sweet and caring and understands your religious views because she’s an Episcopalian  too! So you do your third annual inspection and then you get the call that she has an emergency and she’s leaving the agency and your heart breaks and you pray and you pray that the next will be just as wonderful as she was.

But of course who would’ve seen what was going to happen next around the world. It would shut down adoptions, start a baby boom of its own, and we are now in a Covid world. Our agency went through major changes and Jeff and I held tight knowing at least we weren’t missing out on expecting birth mothers because everything was on hold. A few months and we finally met our new social worker and she is everything that we could ask for. She gets our sense of humor, she’s very caring, she understands how open we are and loves that we are so excepting of people just the way they are. Of course the fourth annual inspection was a little different because it was virtual but we survived it more fingerprints, more paperwork, and of course as always more money out the door. 

In the past year we have updated our profile book and got rave reviews including an almost placement the second closest we’ve been since we started. Things are slow as adoption rates are down across the East Coast at the lowest they’ve ever been, birth rates are down, and abortion rates are up. So today is five years since we announced on Facebook that we were on this path. And now that you get a idea of our journey here is a little bit of how I’m feeling tonight:

I still feel like I’m a failure as a woman because my body has failed me.

I question if I’m a fool to believe that I’m supposed to be a mother.

I wonder if we’ve made a mistake in the choices we’ve made in going through this process.

I sit and I cry questioning why this is happening to us.

I mourn the loss still to this day of holding a child in my womb.

I wonder if people think I’m a fool for having so much hope in this adoption process.

I sit and look at baby stuff and dream of the day that I get to hold my child in my arms.

I spent quite moments sitting in the nursery knowing deep down inside this is not a mistake.

I feel strong emotions and it’s a roller coaster of a day and of course we got our paperwork for annual inspection and why not throw in my monthly reminder! 

So today to celebrate the five years of waiting, wondering, and crying I’ve decided I’m updating our baby registry, having a glass of wine, and dreaming of the moment that we get that phone call it’s our time.

National Infertility Week

 Infertility

Not getting pregnant despite having carefully timed, 

unprotected sex for one year.

Understand the facts!

Each of our journeys is different!

Statistics

1/3 there is an issue with the man

1/3 there is an issue with the woman

1/3 there are issues with both the man and the woman, 

or no cause can be found

Male Causes

Abnormal sperm production or function

Problems with the delivery of sperm

Overexposure to certain environmental factors 

Damage related to cancer and its treatment

Female Causes

Ovulation disorders

Uterine or cervical abnormalities

Fallopian tube damage or blockage

Endometriosis

Primary ovarian insufficiency (early menopause)

Pelvic adhesions

Cancer and its treatment

Unable to successfully carry to term (multiple reasons)

Secondary Infertility 

Mental & Emotional Effects

Depression

Anxiety 

Shame

Stress

Marital Issues

A Few of Our Favorites

 One of the blessings of an adoption wait is you get time to discover amazing companies and artists. Over the past few years I have found so many things I can’t wait to buy and some I’ve grabbed during sales and special releases. 

Today’s blog is all about four of our favorites.

Many of you remember the artwork we got for the nursery. The artist is Tabitha Paige and she is amazing. Her studio is Fox Hollow Studio and we now have her art throughout the house. 

In October she released her first children’s book collection and I had to have it. They are everything that makes a book classic and well loved. When they arrived I was so impressed by the entire package, three beautiful books each with a different lead character on their own adventure. They are such a perfect addition to our collection.

The first company I want to tell you about is Snuggle Me. The founder Mia created the very first lounger in 2007 in her home in Minnesota. The first thing I fell in love with was their infant lounger. Why do I love it? Easy it’s organic, sustainable, and ethically made. Of course the removable covers are such a bonus and I had to get a few different ones.

Then i discovered their feeding & support pillow. Since we won’t be breast feeding I wanted to spend my money on a support pillow both Jeff and I can use. The moon shape with tapered ends are the perfect feature for all body types. Plus next month they are coming out with a removable cover!

Of course my Snuggle Me collection wasn’t complete without the soft, cozy swaddle. It’s not just a swaddle but at 47 inches square so it’s a perfect blanket for little ones. Just like all their other products it is made in the USA and organic so safe for our future addition.

Next up are these wood & silicone pacifier clips. 

They are from Pretty Please Teether’s in Utah, a small business founded by the wonderful Kelli. All of her amazing products are eco-friendly. The designs are modern but I have to say I haven’t seen anything that doesn’t fit perfect in any nursery. So far I have only a few items of hers but I can’t wait to get the teethers and pacifiers. All the products are made of either wood or silicone or a combination of both. She provides a wonderful selection of earth tone colors making the decisions very hard. 

Can we just talk about these amazing wood toys from Bannor Toys!

This amazing toy company out of Iowa was founded by husband and wife team Jesse and Stacey. They not only design all of their products the manufacturer everything in house. First I saw their state rattles and love how you can customize the colors. Of course once we have an adoption placement you know I’ll be getting one of their fun designs with the little ones name engraved on it. They have a great selection of toys such as this rattles and grasping styles for babies, to stackers and blocks for toddlers. 

Of course I wanted to share the website for these amazing companies. I hope you fall in love with them, spoil the ones you love, and support their growing businesses.

Fox Hollow Studios.   https://foxhollowstudios.com/

Snuggle Me    https://snugglemeorganic.com/pages/warehouse-sale

Pretty Please Teethers  https://www.prettypleaseteethers.com/

Bannor Toys  https://bannortoys.com/

2020 Review

 2020 has many many ups and downs for us!

Here is a brief summary of our year.

January 

We had some new additions to our world from my baby Yoda thanks to Jeff’s talented cousin to the birth of our dear friends baby boy Joey!

We had some amazing views from snowy days to Jeff’s spotting of custom painted locomotives while at work.

And sadly we said goodbye to our baby girl Winnie. The emotions of this loss still over comes me.

February 

We had a few firsts and sadly lasts.

Jeff attended his first ever Episcopal Diocese of Newark Convention. To have him come and understand the magnitude of this made my heart happy.

Our sweet friends reminded us how loved we are with flowers during the shock of losing Winnie.

We welcomed our sweet Qi’ra to the family. Getting a cat was another first for Jeff. He is now wrapped around her paw.

Valentines Dinner at the Walpack Inn is an annual tradition but this was the first year my parents joined us.  Just so romantic. 

We had our annual Pancake Dinner. Sadly this was the last church dinner before the pandemic hit and the last dinner for some VIPs we said goodbye to this year.

The nursery started to look more like a room and less like a disaster area.

March

Painting happened making the original pine floors look new again. Plus I learned how to do molding making the nursery one step closer to finished. 

Church went virtual and I had to figure out how to continue with Sunday School.

My sweet husband did a Blue Ridge wine run with me!

Qi’ra has taken over and the cuteness doesn’t stop.

The adoption world is slowly coming to a stop because of Covid.

I am temporarily let go from my job. 

April

A little Anniversary celebration quarantine style and husband working two jobs.

Church Easter Service and Egg Hunt took on a new look.

We looked into the cost for new siding, windows, and insulation.

Hello new couch for the family room. 

May

Finally finished the nursery. Sadly all hopes of adoption are frozen in Covid time.

Time to focus on the yard. 

From cleaning gardens, to creating a garbage area, tandem finally getting our first 

real tree for the property May was a busy month. 

Of course I learned that poison ivy can really suck when it enters your system threw open skin.

We ended the month with the delivery of my childhood piano finally coming home.

June

The house looks so grown up with all our garden work.

Finally some girl time with my dear friend Carol at the Vineyard.

My exercise drive came to a scary halt with a bad fall. 

Honestly I never got over it and I let all my hard work go.  

Qi’ra had her first experience being home alone and met our pet sitter!

Jeff and I escaped to the Jersey shore for a few nights in Spring Lakes.

It’s all about blueberry picking for my birthday.

Of course we can’t forget my Birthday Pie!

July

We had a review of our plumbing system done and it wasn’t good.

Our stove died so time for an upgrade.

Family time for 4th of July and dinner at Walpack Out that Sunday.

Time to make Blueberry Jam. Yum!

My dad and I put in a new front door.

Hello I’m officially a Mary Kay Independent Consultant!

My cousin Denny helped us clean the property.

Taco Date day with Carol and her boys.

Not pictured is Jeff’s quiet birthday.

August 

The long awaited staining and painting of the stairs.

Carol and I took her boys for their first Jersey Shore trip.

Of course more girl time at the Vineyard with Carol and Di!

The biscuit obsession is becoming a problem.

I attended my first Mary Kay Convention.

We got a pea gravel patio put in.

Major wind and rains took down a tree and power lines.

The amazing linemen installed new lines since they were there anyway.

Jeff and I hit the beach one last time with Carol and the boys.

September 

Bathroom refresh with some paint and a new shower curtain.

Happy 80th to Jeff’s mom! 

Jeff and I did a lot of work to make sure we could celebrate her big day.

Qi’ra and Jeff have become best friends.

I’m rocking my Mary Kay business!

I started installing new molding in the living and dinning room.

Beautiful fall weather bring a thriving garden and a ripe lemon.

October 

I learned that rotting wood and my body cause disaster.

Living room got new paint, finished molding, and decorated.

Pumpkins and mums make us happy people.

My baby cousin got married.

I have my desk set up ready to be a boss lady!

November 

In an attempt to have a safe Christmas we put our tress up early to see how Qi’ra would handle them.

She would rather have belly ribs.

We got our first Tropical Popcorn monthly shipment. Yum!

We went exploring and I introduced Jeff to Waterloo Village.

A Covid Thanksgiving didn’t stop dad from over cooking.

The moment I realized I can’t go to the Vineyard since PA is restricting visitors.

December 

Time to decorate like a mad woman!

Even Qi’ra got into the Holiday Spirit.

We had a special Christmas dinner and light show with Carol and the boys.

The best photo ever is the proof they were comfy watching Christmas movies with Jeff.

We finally put up Jeff’s Christmas train making my tree look tiny.

Blue Ridge ships and it’s better when you order with friends!

We got snow right before Christmas!

My cousin came to town and he had to make a snowman.

Sadly the snowman didn’t survive the Christmas Eve rain.

Not pictured - my cousin ended sick with pneumonia and we are working on getting him better.

My brother in law ended up in the hospital also with pneumonia and is currently home.

My sister had a major car accident and is still in the hospital. 

2020 has many good things and many bad.

We’ve lost some very special people in our lives.

 We have prayed for the healing of family and friends with Covid.

The adoption process was on hold for many months.

We now have a new adoption specialist and she likes to be called.

We pray every day that our adoption placement will happen soon.

We look forward to 2021 being whatever God has a plan to be.

And we hope that everybody can at least find one good thing every day.

Annual Home Study 2020

 

Somethings never change! 

Even in the year of 2020 with life so different our adoption approval has to stay current. Every year until we have a finalized adoption we will need to do the following:

A child-abuse background check

A New Jersey state finger print check for criminal background

An annual physical

A home study

So the first few things are pretty basic in explanation. Each thing that is done is a requirement by the state for somebody to be approved to do adoption. The child abuse background check I believe is a federal check, we fill out paperwork then submit it and the adoption agency gets a report of their findings. Next is the fingerprinting, this is one of the few things that the first state by state on having to be done every year. Of course it’s expensive in New Jersey requires it every year even if we had a placement you have to make sure it’s current at the time of the adoption finalization. And the third thing is an annual physical or really just an annual update that we are still physically capable of becoming adoptive parents. 

Those three things get done every year no matter what and have to be completed and returned to the agency before the actual homestudy visit. Because 2020 is what it is we were smart enough to have the child abuse background check and the fingerprinting done a few months in advance. We knew there was delays with background checks currently in gun licensing and stuff like that so we didn’t wanna take a chance that they wouldn’t get the paperwork back and have to put our adoption journey on hold. Just like many things in life we are best advocates and we stayed on top of it!

Next was the home study visit with our brand new Adoption Specialist aka our social worker. Typically this is a 2 to 3 hour visit to our home that includes a full inspection to make sure our  home is safe, clean, and well-maintained. Then she holds interviews with both of us together and then each individually. Typically this includes a week of cleaning the house it’s already clean because I get nervous with the construction, and it includes Jeff and I fighting because the house is already clean but in my mind it’s not clean enough. Then the stress level goes up because you always worry that they’re going to find something and tell you that they’re going to put your adoption process on hold which we’ve had done when we purchased the house. Our journey all depends on her point of view on us and our home. 

Homestudy in 2020 is all via zoom! So you’re a little more relaxed or at least I was. I was so relaxed then I decided I was going to clean out my bedroom and sort through summer clothes I don’t want any more and start getting the winter stuff out. The day of the home study! Let’s not forget the day before Thanksgiving our smoke alarm went off for no reason and Lowe’s was sold out. You see you have to have functioning smoke detectors to pass a home study, Jeff literally picked up the new smoke detector on Wednesday and installed it 15 minutes before the home study. 

Oh and that bedroom full of clothing guess what! That’s right she had to get a tour of the house to make sure that it’s clean and maintained well. I found that about two hours before the home study when I emailed her to ask her what she’ll need to see during the zoom. Thankfully she is a sweetheart and a realist and understood when I told her you’re just gonna have to ignore the piles of clothes. 

So whether home study is in person or on zoom it is so stressful and it is a constant reminder that pregnancy just won’t happen to for us. Normally it’s a week I don’t talk to many people because I’m dealing with my own emotions and trying to clean a house like a crazy lady. 

So we did our zoom home study and started with our joint interview. During this year’s typical questions on how we’re doing, how we’re holding up during the adoption process, and she reviews our adoption plan to make sure that she knows what we are looking for. Then we did a zoom tour of our house and our property which included the messy bedroom. She has to see the smoke detectors, that we have locks on the front and back doors, that we have a fire extinguisher in the kitchen, and that the guns are locked away and ammunition is kept separately. We had to explain some of the upcoming work we’re doing on the house and guarantee that if we had a placement right away that whatever work we were doing could be sealed up and safe. Of course I kind of hit the messy areas because we have two rooms that are lined up for construction and we don’t show them to anybody.  We then headed outside to show her some of the property and an area we hope to fencing in the future. 

Following the virtual tour she ended our one on one interviews with of us. I don’t know about Jeff but for me it’s a very stressful time because you always wonder what they’re asking the other person and what the other person is saying. You always wonder if somebody says something to you but it says something different to somebody else that’s what goes through my mind this whole time. The benefit of zoom is in our house and you can pretty much here at all over the first floor. And I have to say it was probably one of the best conversations to overhear. To hear Jeff talk about what he expects when we adopt and how he plans to handle night changing and feeding when he gets home from work so that I could sleep really just pulls at the heartstrings. And our adoption specialist was a little surprised that he was still opened about shared responsibility and taking care of the baby at night. I was glad Jeff went first because I was calmer because of listening to him when it was my turn. She has some of the same questions of me and I talked about how my parents were two different shifts so that they could have 24 hour coverage pretty much for us. So for me having Jeff work the shift he work is normal. Then her and I talked about some paperwork they had to get processed and we have to approve for the home study to be finalized.

Before we realized it the whole stressful day was over and we really just vegged out the rest of the day. It’s an annual thing that reminds us that we’re still on this long journey, and that becoming a family for us is just a bit harder then for others.