Unexpected Changes

Month 5 and why I missed month 4

"It's the unexpected that changes our lives."

Before I get into all the drama of May look it's my beloved rocker! Well that and our crib quilt, ottoman/storage, and some very special friends. The bunny is really mine but he is keeping the other guys company while they wait.

Now onto the drama of May.

Adoption can be one of the most stressful times in your life. You have no control over it, and in turn little control over other things in your life. The one thing I had control of was our finances. Every month I had detailed plans of every penny that came in. I knew what bills had to be paid, how much had to go to savings for the adoption, what we could spend on getting those items for the future, and finally money for us to enjoy life. Jeff and I were excited because we were getting close to having the money needed to do all the steps of the adoption. In my head I knew I would need to have about ten thousand more then that incase we got twins but we were at least good for a single baby. The other thing we were starting to talk about was where do we want to buy a house. Since we know we can't leave the state until we are done with the adoption we figured we would start checking out the area. Oh and the first earth shattering thing that came up. Jeff wants to go to Disney during hunting season so we can experience  the Christmas wonder. Things were going good for us. Even though I was on the emotional roller coaster of adoption we were happy with life.

Then it happened. On a Sunday after church I was notified I no longer had a job. I'm not going to vent about the people I use to work for. What I am going to do is talk about how this effects us know.

You see when you are going through adoption the fact of not knowing when it is going to happen makes you stressed. On top of that trying to find a job, where you don't know how they will react to your pending adoption is a nightmare. If I was pregnant I could easily say well I'm due in a few months so I will be taking time off or I'll wait until the baby is born to find a job. But with adoption it could happen tomorrow or a year from now. So how do you approach telling a future job that your life is not in your control. I have spent many sleepless nights worrying about this. I was so stress that my loving husband got me a plane ticket and sent me to Florida for a week. I guess he figured the time away would help me relax and come back with a plan. Yeah I still don't have one, but I am sending out resumes and I guess we will figure it out.

The other thing that is effected by me losing my job is the fun baby shopping. We haven't done much since we don't know when it will happen, or if it will be a boy or girl. But part of the process we have enjoyed is picking up things as we go. It makes it feel real, makes us feel like expecting parents, and well it's so cute! We have almost all the money for a single baby adoption in our savings, and if we get twins we will figure it out. 

Then there is the one thing that we had to decided very quickly. Every time something happens in our life we have to notify the agency. When we sent them the notice that I had lost my job, they needed to know if we wanted to put the adoption on hold. The emotions that happened when I was reading that hit me like a wave. After years of negative pregnancy tests, unsuccessful fertility treatments, and delays because of money the fear all come rushing back to me. I was horrified, I was scared, I was at that moment ready to give up and adopt 100 puppies. I was done with that part of my life already being on hold, and to think that something I had no control of could cause it to be even more delayed killed me. But they have to give you the options to start a new job and get settled in if you feel the need to. I knew at that moment that if we put it on hold I would be done emotionally. Jeff knew at that moment that it wasn't an option for him either. We have come this far and don't want to delay any more.

So here we now sit in our 5th month of wait, I am unemployed waiting to see if I will get unemployment pay and looking for a new job. Jeff is working getting ready to work non stop as his partner at work retires. And Winnie is loving having me home, a lap to lay on, and someone to go on walks with. God has a plan for us and I am hoping that maybe this means that baby he has planned for us is coming sooner then later.

When they decide to parent

 As we came into our 3rd month of waiting, we celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary, I struggled with some illness, and Jeff  started working 6 day work weeks. We also had a medical emergency with Jeff's mom, we are blessed to say she is doing better. With all that going on and crazy days at my job the blog had to be delayed. One thing that didn't stop was our adoption prep. During this rocky time we still have in the beck of our head what if.......

There are so many what if's in adoption that Jeff and I will face alone. We have made the decision to not tell anyone, including our parents when we have been chosen until we have our child in our arms. We look at that time period just as many people see the 1st trimester of pregnancy. Instead of doctor appointments we will be having meetings with the expected mother. Instead of having two more trimesters to prepare we may have a few months, weeks, or only days to prepare. It will also be filled with plenty of what if's.

The biggest what if is one that we as the adoptive parents fear. What if they decide to parent?

The process of being picked can vary from person to person. I have read many different experience from months of interaction to over night pick to placement. We don't know what path we will go down or truthfully how many of those paths we will travel. But each time you become emotionally invested in that path. It starts with you agreeing to having your profile shown to an expected or birth mother. At that moment you will wonder what she is looking for, will she like your book, or will it be someone else's time? The next step may be a meeting with the expected mother or emails between our social work and hers. You may only have a small window of time to meet her, so you have to cancel plans. All this time in the back of your head you keep telling yourself to hold on to your heart. Some paths lead to the start of a relationship between the expected mother and you. Face to face meetings to get to know each other, building of a relationship apart from that little miracle she is growing inside. She is learning to trust you, you are trying not to get attached. Once the baby is born things start to be come even more intense. You try to protect your heart but in the darkness of the night you start to picture holding that little one.

Then the wait starts. In New Jersey a birth mother can not sign custody over for three days after giving birth. This will provide time for her to recover and think. Yes even when they have come up with an adoption plan they can still and will still be unsure. So we protect our hearts and wait. She may need longer and the agency has procedures I will speak about in the future to protect everyone involved.

And then the what if happens....... The birth mother has decided to parent.

And with that all your hopes and dreams fall down around you. No matter how hard you protect your heart it hurts. You pray the best for her and her baby, but in the silence of the night you cry for the what could have been. You put on a brace face in front of people, while mourning the loss.

So after years of disappointment with fertility issues you have learned to find the sunny side in time of heartache. And deep down inside you know one day you will hold your child, celebrate them, and love them.

On a side note we got our glider this month!!! Pictures to come next week because I'm typing this one my phone with blurry vision and I can't figure out how to post a picture.

2 and a 1/2 months

I have been thinking over the past few weeks what I wanted to write about this month. Should I write about the emotional roller coaster adoption is? What about how sensitive you become to words and phrases? What about how we have been wanting to plan trips but are afraid to make plans because we don't know what the future holds? Three great topics all can fill pages of a blog.

So I'm going with a topic that covers all of them. Pictured above is the Adoption Triangle. On the one side you have Jeff and me, we are the adoptive parents. We currently have no connections to the other two sides. We will be one day in Gods time and until then we pray for them to be safe. On the other side is the birth parents they may or may not at this time be expecting parents. That only God knows. The final side is the adopted child who has no say in this processes. God will protect them and love them.  

Jeff and I have started to learn that we are already emotionally involved in a process that has no time line. I personally have learned that there are emotions that I never thought I would feel. We have not met an expected mother yet, yet I have wondered what it must be like for one to be going through this. I have watched interviews, read books, and searched on line but unless you are in their shoes you will never really know. I wonder how I will feel when the day comes that I hold my future child and realize the birthmother is mourning the lose of her child. I wonder how that child will feel about it all. I never thought I could feel so many different emotions from so many points of view.

The triangle also reminds us that even though we are one part of it, we have no control over the triangle. We have no time table, no knowledge of when we will become part of that triangle. We also don't know how many triangles we will start to become a part of just to find out it didn't fit. Tomorrow we could get a call that a mother wants to meet us and it end up not being a good fit. Do we make plans for vacations that could be canceled at the last minute? Do we miss out on family events that we have to travel for? We don't want to put our lives on hold but we have to be ready to cancel our plans if that perfect triangle comes along.

The final part of being a side to a triangle that hasn't been completed yet is that simple things said to you hurt like you wouldn't think. People who mean well who tell you about how they know someone who waited years and years until they found their triangle doesn't help. We know you mean well but those thoughts are always in our minds so please don't help them out. Or when someone says to us "well I hope that works out for you" is a negative thought that we don't need in our life. You see everyday we live the life of expected parents who don't have control of the when. We are you see "paper expecting" which means we are excited that we know one day we will be proud parents. We will be one part of our child's triangle. Until then please don't be afraid to ask questions, say positive words of encouragements , and help us keep living our life until our triangle comes.

1 Month and Counting

We have come to the 1 month mark of what could be a long wait. Since we don't know when things will happen we have made a list of the important things we want to have in the house. After much discussion with Jeff about a baby shower and when we would feel comfortable to have one we have decided that we wouldn't do anything until we are placed.

Why you may ask?

This is a multi layered answer.

1.Adoption is really a roller coaster. Today I could be fine and handle a shower with no issues. But between now and when it would be held we could be picked and have an expected mother change her mind. I would then be devastated. No matter how much you prepare yourself it's still going to hurt.

2.I'm nesting! Yes adoptive mothers nest and I haven't finished cleaning out every inch of the condo. Before I bring a large amount of things home I want to make sure I am prepared.

3.We really don't need a ton of stuff the first few weeks. Heck we don't even know if we will be home right away. If the baby is born out of state we will have to travel and wait for all the paper work to clear.

So until we are placed Jeff and I have our list of things we need. Slowly we are building our baby stock pile. We have our list of things we want, things we need, and things we can live with out. Strangely enough nothing with hunting or fishing has made the list. But we have gotten some great things including the ottoman we got for 1/2 off.

So we wait for our book to be viewed, interviews to happen, and that exciting day we are handed our child. Then and only then will we buy that final important bringing home baby item. Our car Seat!

New Year and New Adventures

January 2, 2017

I haven't blogged in a bit because things have been a bit busy. I wanted to hop on for the new year and keep everyone up to date.

We finalized the album that the expected parents get to see and sent them to the agency. They loved them and have sent them to the different offices located in New Jersey, New York, and Connecticut. Now what will happen with them? When an expected mother reaches the point where she is ready to start considering future parents for her child she along with whom ever she choices will sit down with her counselor. At that time she will be provided the profile albums for hopeful adoptive parents that fit her requirements. An example is Jeff and I are Caucasian, large extended family, and live in the country. Other things that could be my work with the youth group, Jeff's love of the outdoors, or the fact we have a dog. She will be provide a stack of books to look through and then she will say I want to meet these couples or this is the couple I like. This process can happen dozens of times before an expected mother wants to meet us. It is 100% in her control and Jeff and I love this fact.

The other thing we had to do is make our third payment. Money is one thing that everyone knows adoptions take a lot of but no one talks about. The reason because people word their questions so it makes it sound like we are purchasing a child. It really isn't much different then the money it cost to give birth to a child except we don't have insurance to cover it. I will discuss that in an other blog but for now we are in the waiting period. We have paid out just under 1/2 of the money that will need to be paid. We still have money in the savings account, are able to still do a few weekend getaways, so it didn't hurt to much!

So now here we are in the waiting stage. We know our book hasn't been viewed yet so we decided that we are going to count January 1st as our start date. Paperwork, albums, and payments all got completed during the holidays so we aren't counting them just for that fact. The 1st of each month will be our count and just as someone who is pregnant I will mark the month marks with a blog(no pictures of my belly sorry).

We also don't want anyone to be afraid about asking questions. If you have one please ask us either on here or privately. There is never a stupid question, and we would rather you get the answer from us not from someone else. Questions can be about our personal journey or a general adoption question. We can't speak for the expected parents or the point of view of someone who has been adopted but we can tell you what we have learned.

For now Happy New Year!

The Final Cut!

So as you know we finished our home study a few months ago. Since then we have been working hard on our profile album. We knew this process wouldn't be fast so taking a few months didn't surprise us. This one book is going to introduce us to many expected mothers.

Well the first soft copy was sent in to our counselor back in September for approval. Of course nothing ever gets approved on the first draft so we were called in for a prof meeting. What is a prof meeting? Well I don't know what they are normally but for us it was a unique chance to sit and talk with the expected mother counselor. We got to learn about her and she got to find out about us as we all worked on the little details to make the book perfect. When we left that night we felt excited about the book and how it was going to introduce us.

Of course all this was going on during the busiest time of the year for me. Work was picking up, youth group was moving forward, and the new Tastefully Simple catalog was out. Hunting season was in full swing so Jeff was juggling that, work, and of course we both had a home to take care of. So a week went by and I didn't touch the profile, then before I knew it another week had passed. Finally as I ate dinner we worked on adding some fine details, correcting grammar, and giving the book a little more pop.

Before we knew it we were getting ready to go away for a wedding and my goal was to get the new soft copy out to our counselor for final approval. Just over two months had already passed since our home study finalized and I was itching to be done and in waiting mode. We looked forward to going away with a the much needed break and even more we were excited to celebrate two sweet and wonderful people as they become one.

The following week we got the okay to go to final print!!! It was like the sky opened up and Angels came down singing and playing harps. I was nervous when I hit the button and confirmed the order. This one little thing was probably the most import part in the puzzle. This was going to introduce us to our future child's birth mother. This book would be the key to open her eyes to us. Maybe it will be the cuteness of Winnie, the smiling faces of our friends and family, the words Jeff and I wrote about each other that will make her say "I want to meet them". I don't know, no one knows because just like a finger print each expected mothers connection to a waiting parent is unique.

So now 7 copies have been printed. Six have been sent to the agency were they will be sent to their offices in New York, Connecticut, and New Jersey. One will be put away for our future child, so that one day if they want to see it they can. The information within the pages are part of their story and we will keep it private for them. We look forward to the notifications when ever an expected parent sees our book and pray for the day it is seen by the expected mother of our future child.  

Facebook Offcial aka 1 month Approved!

So a few minutes ago Jeff and I decided it was time to let the world know and make if Facebook Official!

Why did we decided this was the time?

Simple I have started working with the youth group again at my church and how can I the youth leader be keeping a secret that will effect youth events. By going public I can always make sure I have people ready to jump in when that moment happens.

There is also an other reason we have decided to let it be known at this time. We are expecting parents! We don't know when we will bring home a bundle of joy home, but like every other expecting parent we are enjoying the planning process! And even though the reality hit me this weekend that I will never get that special parking space at babies r us, we got to go look at cribs with Jeff's mom, and I got way to excited when they had the exact stroller I want.

So we decided that since we are a few days past the 1st month mark it was time to share the great news with everyone!