9 Years and Counting

11 years committed to each other

10 years since he asked me to marry him

9 years we have been united as one

Our journey started in 1986 when Jeff and I met.

He was a 13 year old boy from the other side of the tracks and I was a 9 year old with a crush on him.

That year I discovered Ozzy Osbourne and 

the Mets won the World Series.

That summer I told my mom I would marry him one day, little did I know that would be true.

Through the years we would run into each other. 

He lived his life and I live my life. 

We never forgot about each other, 

God made sure of that because he had a plan.

We grew, matured, and bettered ourselves. 

We had also both given up on finding love, 

happily living the single life.

Then 11 years ago he showed up again.

This time though things were different. 

This time we took a chance on following our hearts. 

We had our first date on a late snowy 

Tuesday night in January of 2009. 

It was a simple meet up at Yetter's diner. 

By that June Jeff had moved in with me.

Life was moving forward and we had started talking about getting married and having a family. 

We were engaged just before our 1 year anniversary.

We moved to Sussex County to start our life 

together in a cute little lake house. 

We were excited to start planning the wedding.

That December our world stopped when Jeff was rushed from a Nucellar Stress test to Morristown Hospital. 

That night he had two stents put in due to a 

99.9% blockage in his heart. 

The doctor was amazed he was alive. 

I am forever grateful for them.

2011 finally arrived and time for wedding. 

Sadly I lost my job shortly after the new year and I had to say goodbye to the many friends I had made. 

Jeff was still out on disability and we had to decided what to do about the wedding. 

We had almost everything figured out 

and planned so we chose to move forward. 

My bridal party hosted a wonderful shower for me. 

We had a wonderful day surrounded by love. 

During  all this we were trying to get pregnant. 

Jeff had hoped to announce at the wedding we were pregnant but that didn't happen. 

We had an early miscarriage that we kept private. 

I only knew I was pregnant because we were already tracking and testing ovulation at that point. 

We moved forward figuring the stress of everything wasn't helping and it would happen soon.

On April 1, 2011 surrounded by our family and friends we were joined together in the eye of God. 

Forever stuck with each other! 

Neither of us would change it!

We were very lucky to have amazing role models of what marriage is in our lives. 

We didn't know what the road ahead would hold, 

how hard fertility would effect us, 

and how alone we would feel. 

I know God has amazing things for us ahead and I am so glad that I'm on this journey with Jeff.

What is a Birth Parent?

LETS TALK

A birth parents story will never be for Jeff and I to tell. Their story can only be told by them and our child. A reason someone decided to put a child up for adoption is a very personal story and has no effect on anyone but them and the child. The only thing any of us needs to know is the birth parents are part of that child and because of that will be loved just for that simple fact.

WHAT ISN'T A BIRTH PARENT

The difference between a birth parent and a parent is simple. A parent is someone who feels in their heart that no matter what they will raise this child. They may or may not have the support of a family, but they know they could never give a child up for adoption. A parent is someone who plans to be the main influence in their child's life and have a parenting plan. A parent could be anyone at any age that knows adoption just isn't something they could do. They could also be someone who though adoption was what they wanted until the moment they held the child and the entire plan changed.

WHAT IS A BIRTH PARENT

A birth parent is someone who make the hard decision to make an adoption plan. Plain and simple it is their choice on how to be a parent because no matter what they are the parent to that child. A birth parent isn't the main influence on a child, they do not raise them, or set the rules on discipline. But they are the reason this child is in this world and because of that they are a birth parent. A birth parents story could be one of a thousand but here is some explanation of who they could be.

Birth parents are of course a birth mother and a birth father. Since a birth father isn't always the one talked about I will speak of them first. The birth father may be known and have part in the adoption decision or may not. They may be the boyfriend or husband of the birth mother, or they could be a one night stand. He could be sadly be the predator in a rap or molestation and so in turn never be named. If a birth father isn't named they do have the option to speak up after a placement to take custody. Every state varies on their adoption laws and how long they have to try and take custody. In New Jersey if the name of the birth father becomes known by the agency they have to do everything they can to contact him and discuss a birth/adoption plan.

A birth father could be a young man who never wanted to be a parent. He may be a college student who sees becoming a parent at this time would not end well for any of them. They could be someone struggling with an addiction or come from an abusive back ground and knows they are not the best option to be a parent. He may be someone who has always wanted to be a father but knows that at this time it isn't the best option for this child. He could be in his 30's or 40's, a contractor, a lawyers, or warehouse worker. They come from all walks of life and all ages, there is no set description of what a birth father is. He could be your drinking buddy, your brother, son, or the favorite teacher at school.

A birth mother can be your sister, your daughter, your best friend, or the lady you work with. Birth mothers come in all walks of life and have 1000 personal reasons why they chose adoption. All I can do is give you a few examples of who a birth mother may be. 

A birth mother may decide to make an adoption plan because they have a dream of dancing the Nutcracker with the New York City Ballet and having a child would keep them from being who they want to be. She may be in jail detoxing from heroin with no family support and no idea how to be a parent. Her marriage could be falling apart from an affair and the birth father won't leave his wife and children for her. A birth mother could be a victim of rap. She could be an abuse survivor who doesn't want her child to ever have to be his victim also. She may be in denial that she is pregnant until the final month, days, or hours and when the time comes knows she doesn't want to parent. She may not believe in abortion and knows from that first pregnancy test that adoption is what God is leading her towards. 

A birth mother isn't a birth mother until she gives birth and signs the adoption papers. She is an expected mother and a mother until that time. She will carry the child, connect with the child, and make the decisions she feels is best for her and that child. She will forever be part of that child. Her reason for an adoption plan will change the world for both of them, but she will never walk away and forget.  

PLEASE WATCH YOUR WORDS

When you speak to us about an expected parent or birth parent please don't speak bad words of them. You don't know who they are, or what their life is like. Don't assume anything about them. When we are placed with a child please watch your words. You will never know the story of why their birth parents made an adoption plan. Never speak ill of them to our child because we will never do that. A birth parent makes a difficult decision to make an adoption plan and because of that we will never speak bad of them. They will bless us with a family because not only will the child be ours but they will forever be connected to us. They may chose to do an open adoption or a closed adoption and we will support them no matter what. They may say for now they just want photos and 10 years down the road they may want to meet, once again we will support that. We will always put what is best for our child before anything and part of that is to never speak ill of their birth parents. 

DON'T ASK WHAT OUR CHILDS ADOPTION STORY IS

We don't care who you are, our child's adoption story is personal. Why their birth parents made an adoption plan is not for us to share. It doesn't change how you will love the child and doesn't effect your life. This story isn't about us or you, its all about the birth parent's and our future child. A birth parent has the right to never share the detail with anyone and so will our child. Don't ask them why they were adopted, just know we will love them no matter what. 

Please understand that a birth parent may be the last person we ever thought we would love. But anyone who choses us to parent their child will always be part of our heart. Adoption expands our family not just with a child, but also those who blessed us with that child. If you don't watch your word just remember we will chose our child over anyone.

Saying Goodbye to Our Winnie

On Thursday, January 30th Jeff and I had one of the hardest days of our lives. We had to say goodbye to our first baby. 

That Monday we found out that Winnie was much sicker then she had ever been and her body was finally saying enough is enough. We had hoped to bring her home so she could pass peacefully with us. But Winnie was a fighter and she fought her greatest fight to try not to leave us. On Wednesday night we both realized we needed to help her pass. She wasn't able to keep food down, she was past exhaustion afraid to sleep, and wasting away before our eyes. 

She was our world for so long and having to say goodbye was the hardest decision we ever had to make. We miss her every second of everyday but we know that the decision was the best thing for her. 

I would like to take a few moments to tell you about our amazing Winnie the Pooper. 

Winnie joined our family on July 12, 2011. 

She came into our lives shortly after we got married and at the beginning of our fertility struggles. When we decided to get a puppy we did a lot of research into a family friend dog that would make the perfect bird dog for Jeff. Little did we know then she would be the most spoiled hunting dog ever!

 

From the start Winnie was our little adventure buddy. Her first year of life she went camping in the Finger Lakes and beach time at the Jersey Shore. Through out her life she got to travel from Cape Cod to Orlando. She was always ready to hop in the car and go where ever we were off to. Her favorite car trips were to Grandma and Grandpa's house and off to her favorite yard at the Haywards. 

Winnie was our happiness when we went through some very dark times trying to start a family. She made Christmas easier with her excitement to open gifts and meet Santa Claus. She loved to cuddle with me when I struggled with depression and loneliness. She was Jeff's little buddy sharing adventures with him and curling up when he was sick. She made the long journey a little easier to handle.

Some people may not understand the love we have for Winnie, but I don't think anyone can understand how someone else feels. Winnie wasn't just a pet to us, she our baby girl, our happiness during the dark times, and comfort when we needed it most. We just hope that we gave her the best life ever. We spoiled her because she spoiled us. She was loved by our family and friends, and I know she will forever be missed.

New Year New Commitments

This year I want to get more serious about sharing our journey with all of you. So I'm going to start including parts of our journey on here that I haven't talked about before and some that I've mentioned. One of those parts is going to be our journey into turning a house into our home. I have blogged about buying the house and shared photos on Instagram and Facebook but not much else on here. 

Adoption becomes such a major part of your life that everything you do is based off of that. Decisions on vacations, discussions about work schedules, and dreams of the up coming year all include that little part "what if we get placed then what is our plan". Sometimes that question feels like your jinxing yourself and other times its wishful thinking that your plans will need to change. So this year you will hear more about those moments, how they effect us, and how we stay positive during it all. (well try to stay positive) There will also be topics about when someone announces their pregnant, when someone complains about their kids and offers them to you, and those lonely nights when your home alone with our dear sweet Winnie. 

I look forward to sharing all of these things with anyone who cares to read about them. If you have no interest then your welcome to ignore me. I'm not here to get attention. I am here to help people understand a process that use to be very private and unknown. I also hope to let others know they aren't alone. I hope to welcome others to talk about their stories either as Adoptees, Birth parents, or Adoptive parents. I look forward to 2020 being a great year and hope you enjoy the journey with us. 

My Birthday! NOPE Adoption takes over!!!

As many of you know we have to accumulate 30 hours of education to adopt. Those hours area a combination of classes, book reading, and other sources of education. Of course we don't get to pick when the classes are, and when the time works we jump in on a class. 

This class was going to work out perfect. It was being held on June 29th (my birthday) which happed to be a Saturday this year. That meant Jeff wouldn't have work, and he wouldn't take over time because it was the most important day of Donnika (ask me and I will explain about this great holiday). 

So when they sent out a request to see who would attend I let them know if it happens we will be there!

Fast forward 2 months to my birthday and guess who can't attend the class! Yup Jeff has switched job locations and due to his schedule would no way be able to wake up and pay attention during class. So I woke up bright and early, grabbed my coffee and headed to the agency for a 4 hour class. 

I was excited for us to take this class because they had  speakers each from a different part of the adoption triad. 

We started the class with an adoptive father who shared his point of view. He talked about the long wait, emotions from a dads point of view on not being picked, and the excitement when it finally happens. He and his wife had a son before they went on the adoption journey so he talked about that dimension and how they talk to nieces and nephews about their daughters adoption. I wish Jeff was there to hear him speak but I know God had his hand on it so there was a reason I was there and he wasn't.

The next speaker we heard from was a young women who was adopted. She had an interesting journey on how she got to be adopted but that isn't for me to tell. What she was really there to share about was being part of a transracial family and her point of view on the challenges she had to face. She was raised by a very white family, in a middle class suburban town. Her adoptive parents (her birth parents were still a big part of her life so that is why I am using these terms) always told her they didn't see her skin color and loved her for who she was. She mad the point that simple line made her struggle with finding her identity as a dark skinned Hispanic young women. She knew that they meant the best but when you look different from your adoptive family being confident in your different skin can bring its own challenges. She told many stories during her speech but this one thing stuck with me. Maybe because I always find beauty in the diversity of the people who have entered my life, and skin tone difference is one of the things I have loved. She was truly beautiful inside and out, but I wondered if her adoptive family ever looked her in the eye and said to her you look so beautiful. 

Isn't outside beauty something we all struggle with?

The third speak from the triad was a birth mom. She was a returning favorite and you could tell those who had heard her speak in the past adored her. I understood why a few minutes into her speaking. She was open, honest, and excited because she would be meeting her son for the first time in person after a decade since his birth. She talked about how she rushed to the agency every year for her updates from his parents. How she treasured his parents for all they had done for him, how they created wonderful updates for her, and how they agreed to allow her to meet them and their son in person even though it wasn't part of the adoption plan. She talked about how excited she was to hear his voice and see him in person. To think that she was his birthmother, she saw pictures of him, had updates on his interests, life adventures, yet had never heard him speak. I tried to put myself in her place in that moment and I could only imagine the sleepless nights leading up to the meeting. I saw how she didn't want to be his mother she just wanted to know he is happy and doing well. I prayed that night and every night since then that our future child has an amazing mother like her. Someone I would know would always cherish them as will cherish them.

During this class we also heard from a lady who works for a non-profit that provides education assistance, and other support to those in the adoption triad in the state of New Jersey. She explained the new laws for adoptees to get their original birth  certificates with their birth parents names on it, how they provide resorces for counseling, and that we can use any of their resources. 

It was a long day for class and afterwards I had to head home and pick up Jeff and Winnie. We headed down the shore and had to do some adoption homework! Of course because it's been a year since our background check, fingerprints, and health update. 

So here we are getting ready for our annual home visit!

Part 3 of Emotions

 The Waiting to Be Picked 

This time is the longest. 
It can be months or years 
(currently we have been in this section for over two years) 

It’s a roller coaster, a never ending ride  and the track can change in a quick moment. Every morning you get online hoping you can grab that first car so you can see what is ahead of you but sadly that front car is for those who have already completed the process before! You are stuck in the back riding blind, trying to learn how to control your emotions with each loop and dip you hit along the way. Some days it’s a pretty smooth with a disappointing ride that ends at night. Then you wake the next morning to ride again. Other days you get lucky to get on a track that takes you on a multi day ride. Ups and downs of emotions, loops of hope, spirals of  questions, only to end in a disappointing plumit to the exit or if your lucky you get to stay on for another ride. 

This processes if difficult because your still navigating how to handle you emotions without anyone knowing. Everyday you wake up not knowing if you will hear from the agency so you try to live your normal life, but in the back of you head your on that line for the roller coaster. You try not to get on but then you see a commercial for diapers or baby food and BAM! your on that ride wondering if you will hear anything today! And the days you do hear from them you have to hurry up so you can wait..... hurry up and decided if you want your profile shown....hurry up to see if Jeff agrees...then you answer them and start the wait. Depending on the situation you may have small feed back with questions or scheduling a meeting, or you just wait to find out if you have been picked or not. It takes days when your profile is shown so your trying to control any excitement. No matter what you check your email multiple times a day just in case you hear something...

And if you hear nothing or don't get picked you move on to a new day on the same old roller coaster. 

Part 2 Emotions!

1. The Application and Approval

I have covered a lot about this process in earlier posts. It's long and frustrating but it is the only process that you have control of how quickly it goes. If you procrastinate it will take forever! Normally it takes about 6 months because of state back ground checks, the quicker you get your paperwork in the sooner they get the results.

 I would compare it to applying to a new job. You put your best self out there, hope your references say nothing but nice things, and you make sure you get them whatever papers they want. The emotions don't really go to crazy, stress is there but you have the control so you handle it the best you can. 

Of course the majority of people don't tell family and friends that he are going through it until they are approved. You have a close knit group who know because they are your references but that is really all you are comfortable in telling. So you learn how to fake emotions. You smile and act like nothing is wrong, yet you have the home study in the back of your head. So the emotions can be tricky all depending on how private you keep things. 

Then there is also the excitement. How will you announce it? How will your family react to the idea of adoption? When can you start to buy baby stuff? You get to start day dreaming of bringing home your little one! As someone who went the path of fertility treatments that thought is a very forgotten one. You start to look at pintrest and make private boards. You are excited, you have a hope you haven't had in a long time, you are hopeful! That is what the application and approval process is all about....